Grr fight

Okay, so I’m kind of freaking out. Last night I got into another huge fight with my dad, this one ending in him telling me that he hates me. Eek. Well, I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean what he said, but the words were strong enough to make me really ask myself if I’m making a huge mistake.

It all started when I mentioned that I need to be in LA from August 14-18 for job training. My program doesn’t start until the 26th, so I’ve been given the option either of hanging around LA until then or coming home for the week in between. His first reaction was to tell me that I’d obviously misread something because no program would be unreasonable enough to expect me to come 2 weeks early. He even demanded that I let my mother read the email to determine what it really said. Yah so after I reminded him that I'm a 22-year-old Duke graduate and perfectly capable of interpreting a page-long email, he launched into this ridiculous tirade about how my internship is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard of, how my job placement is going to be a gigantic waste of time, and how I am a complete imbecile for doing this. Basically, he was being a complete asshole, and as being around my dad when he’s in these moods tends to bring out the worst in me, I didn’t hesitate to tell him so. Things just escalated from there, and it got pretty ugly.

I feel terrible for letting it get out of hand like that, but my father and I are so much alike that these kinds of fights are not exactly an anomaly in our relationship. Frankly, he scares the fucking shit out of me, but I, like him, am just about the most stubborn and competitive person in the world. When it comes to things I truly care about, I don’t back down easily. Neither does he, which tends to cause problems when we don’t see eye to eye.

Getting back to the main issue, though, his comments about my internship really did sort of hit home. I mean, at root, I couldn’t disagree with him more. In my heart of hearts I really believe that EUIP is perfect for me right now, and I can’t think of a better way to spend next year. So for the past few months, I’ve been telling myself that my parents’ disapproval is of little consequence. It's my life, not theirs. But in reality, knowing that I’m disappointing them just isn’t fun at all.

And what if my dad is right? I can't pretend that I don't have my own reservations from time to time. What if it really is all bullshit and taking part in it makes me some sort of stupid idealist or freaky religious fanatic? Shit, I think I’m confusing myself again…

Quote of the Day:
“I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head” -The Fray