Graduation and toes

I am officially a graduate of Duke University. I packed up my apartment today (well at this point yesterday really) and left for good. I still don’t think it's completely set in, which is good because I don’t know that I can handle the concept of everything being over just yet.

I’m writing from Carrie’s beach house in Wilmington. Before I go on, I should warn you that I’m currently on Vicodin for my newly broken pinky toe, so if I sound a little uh… loopy, yeah that’s probably why. Yes, I broke my pinky toe. Can you think of a more ridiculous injury to have to spend 3 hours in the emergency room for? Cause I fucking can’t.

I’m not even entirely sure how it happened. We were all walking on the beach, and Mary got a little too excited about the prospect of watching Dirty Dancing back at the house. She somehow jumped into me, and I lost my balance and slammed my foot into… something. I thought it was Carrie’s flip-flop, but she says she didn’t feel anything, so I don’t know… maybe a sea shell? Anyway the point is that it hurt like hell, and when I finally looked at my toe in the light, it was sticking out almost perpendicular to my foot. Sweet… Actually, it really was pretty cool looking. Unfortunately, it now has to be taped to the toe next to it for 6 weeks to try to take care of that little dilemma. AND I’m not allowed to run for at least 3 weeks. 3 weeks! I really am going to gain those 800 post-rowing pounds if I’m not careful.

Anyway that’s the deal with my foot and the Vicodin and the fact that I’m feeling a little…happy… at the moment. Now, backing up three days, this weekend was good. All three of our races were very solid. We didn’t end up accomplishing what we set out to accomplish, but we put everything on the line and had three peak performances. Robyn droned on all weekend about disappointment, but I have to admit that I’m really not all that disappointed. Sure, we came up a few seconds short of making NCAAs, but I really feel like we came together as a crew and put out three of the best races we possibly could have. We finished less than .5 seconds behind Virginia and proved that we had gained a lot of ground on a number of other crews over the past few weeks. Overall, I thought it was a great weekend to end my career on, even if I would've liked to have another couple weeks.

When we got back, I went to dinner with the parents and Char at Johnny Carino’s, then met the rowers for one last night out. We all met up at Sass’s and pre-gamed playing Never Have I Ever, which I must say was quite fascinating with the froshies and sophies. Afterwards, we all went to the Joyce. The bar was packed, but we had a lot of fun just hanging out, and I managed not to make it a repeat of last year’s last night out which was definitely a good thing.

Graduation was…fine. The ceremony was nice and quick. I have to admit that I didn’t really listen to the Trinity College dean’s speech. I was kind of busy playing with my tassel and trying to think of ways to prevent myself from having to graduate (if I run away now and don’t take my diploma, can I come back next year and earn it again?) I’ve been assured that it wasn’t all that interesting anyway.

The reception afterwards was like sensory overload. I had to pose for about a million pictures while trying to accept congratulations from and say goodbyes to about 40 of the most important people in my life at once. Even though I got incredibly frazzled, and I think I might have been kind of rude to some people that I love like crazy simply because I was so distracted by everything, when it was finally time to go, I couldn’t tear myself away. My parents and brother were ready to kill me, especially since they had a flight to Vienna to catch. In the end, I was literally running barefoot after them through the football stadium so that they wouldn’t make good on their threat to just leave without me. Hehe, I am such a psycho.

Later on Monday, I went to one last dinner with the seniors and coaches at Blue Corn. Dinner was fun. I found out 2 very important things there. First, apparently they ALL read this. How embarrassing. I threatened to take it down altogether, but I suppose I’ll keep it up for a while longer cause I'm kind of addicted. BUT you better freaking email me or call me or stay in touch somehow instead of just stalking me. Second, I am the most hopelessly awkward person in the world, save possibly Robyn Horner. Okay, maybe I already knew that, but I was definitely reminded of it frequently. In reality though, I’m not quite sure that I mind my general social awkwardness all that much. It’s definitely a source of constant amusement for me anyway.

I spent all day today (ok it’s almost 7am, I guess it would officially be yesterday) packing up my apartment. The last thing to be packed away was my wall of pictures. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to take them down. Well I finally managed to do it and afterwards didn’t think much of it. No big deal, it was just a stupid collage. But a few minutes later as I was driving to the Duck Shop, the pictures somehow found their way back into my head. As they flashed through my mind, I thought all the fun and amazing times they captured and of all the people in them that I’d already had to say goodbye to and those that I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to.

Two years ago, a senior told me that graduating from Duke was a bit like losing a best friend. I have to disagree. I don’t feel like I’m losing a best friend. I feel like I’m losing about 100. When I pulled into the 9th street parking lot, I thought of the fact that just 24 hours before I had stood laughing with 5 of my favorite people in that very same spot. Then I remembered that 4 of those 5 were already gone, and that I didn’t even know when I would see them again. And for the first time in over a year, I cried.
To all my Dukies: I love you guys like craaazy. Keep in touch, because I really can’t stand the thought of losing you all now. And if you don't, I'll track you down and harass you till you do anyway, so basically you can't get rid of me. dun dun duuun...

Quote of the Day:

"Protect us through the hours of this night so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this life my rest in your eternal changelessness" -BCP

Done!

I’m officially done with college. Whew. I left my ultrasound final literally shaking because I was convinced that I failed. It was horrible. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing for a single question and spent the entire 4 hours copying bullshit from the textbook onto paper, just hoping for some sort of partial credit. I spent all weekend envisioning having to contact each of the like 30 people that I invited to graduation to tell them that juuust kidding, I’m not actually graduating this year after all. Oh and by the way does anyone need a roommate for summer school? But contrary to popular belief, von Ramm apparently does have a heart after all. He gave me a B, and I have never been so happy to get a B in my life.

So I’m graduating. It’s weird to think about the fact that I’m a not college student anymore. In fact, for the first time since I was 2 years old, I’m not a student at all. Crazy. Walking around campus is almost Twilight Zoneish. Everywhere I go, I can’t help but ask myself “is this the last time I’ll ever be here?” Then I get weirdly nostalgic and think of all the memories I’ve had in that place over the past 4 years. The other day I was walking past the creek in the gardens and thought of our picnic freshman year. I had this vision of Carrie falling into the water and couldn’t help but smile to myself. Then some random guy that was walking past thought I was smiling at him and said hi. Haha awkward.

Anyway, I always thought I would be practically suicidal at this point. I mean I’ve been flipping out about graduation all year, and now it’s practically here. But lately I’ve just felt numb to everything. Every day there’s more reminders that it's all ending, but for some reason it just doesn’t quite seem real to me. I suppose I’m still I’m in denial, but maybe it’s better that way. I’d rather not spend my last few days at Duke depressed about having to leave anyway.

Annnyway, the past few days have been pretty uneventful. Everyone is off at Myrtle, and my life has pretty much consisted of eating, sleeping, and rowing. My last rowing banquet was on Saturday. The parents came up for it, and it was nice to see them and have them here. Talking about next year has gotten much less awkward now that they know they won’t be able to dissuade me. Of course my dad is still cracking jokes about me turning into a do-gooder hippy and about how I’m gonna to get shot in some drive-by before the year is over, but for the most part we’re able to carry on civil conversations, and that is certainly progress.

Alright, kids. Practice is in 8 hours, and I think I’m gonna go spend some quality time with my pillow till then. Nighty night.