Wherever you go, there you are

I hate to get all churchy on y'all again, but of my roomies shared this prayer with me during retreat in Yosemite, and I thought it was just about perfect for where I am right now. I think somewhere deep down, part of me expected EUIP to be some sort of "lightening bolt"/ Road to Damascus experience in which God would reveal exactly what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.

Yeah, no such luck.

The year is already drawing to a close, and it seems like my anxiety and uncertainty about the future have only increased. I'm finally starting to come to terms with the fact that the lightening bolt will probably never come, and I'll never know for certain where I'm going or what God has in store for me next. I could spend a million years in "discernment" (whatever the hell that actually even means), and still some level of anxiety and doubt about whether I'm on the "right" track will always be there. Really, all I will ever be able to do is just keep trying. From my last offline conversations with y'all, it seems like a couple of you might be feeling similarly in some ways, so I figured I'd pass this along:

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself. And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe, dear Father, that the desire to please You does in fact please You, and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And so I believe that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust You always; though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me and You will never leave me to face my peril alone."

-Thomas Merton

(okay, so technically the picture's  from our last retreat at Mount Calvary in Santa Barbara, not Yosemite, but it's close enough, right?)

What am I getting myself into now?

I'm starting to reevaluate this whole law school thing. The more I think about it, the more it seems like I'm putting myself through all of this LSAT shizzle because law school just seems like the easiest answer to the oh-so-persistent question of what the hell I'm doing with my life. Thinking about law school gives my future a little bit of structure. I like structure. I like the fact that a *plan* for my next four years could be materializing. I like having a plan. What I don't like is the nagging suspicion that I am formulating this plan solely for the sake of having one.

Law school does seem to make sense in some ways. My absolute favorite part of my job this year is working directly with the clients- listening to their goals and their problems, working collaboratively with them to find solutions, giving them information and advice on how put those solutions into action- basically just being a counselor. That's one thing that has really surprised me about this year. I never thought that I would enjoy having to be a "people person", but I do, and I'm good at it.

At the same time, though, I am still me, and the introverted nerd in me also needs some time to shut the clients out of my office and do my own thing. I do my best thinking by myself, and I need some alone time every day research and write and prepare things for the clients without feeling like they're breathing down my neck. However, if I have too much of this alone time, I become extremely bored and cranky, and I lose sight of my motivation for doing the work in the first place, the clients. I think that as a lawyer, I might be able to find a good balance between working for and with people every day but also having some time to be a bookish nerd and analyze things on my own when I need to. And hopefully my enginerd's brain will be a little more adept at applying logic to solve legal problems than it is at applying my (non-existent) knowledge of the working world to help my clients impress people and get hired.

As an added bonus, the law school track definitely appeases the parents, who have been envisioning me as a lawyer since abooout 4 years before I was born. As hard as my father has been trying to act like a neutral bystander in my career development lately, I can tell that he is beside himself with the prospect of me finally giving in and going to law school. And as awful as it sounds to say, I think that's a big part of why I'm so stuck on questioning my own motives right now. Am I just doing this because I know it's what my parents want? That's certainly Altagracia's take on it, but what the hell does Alta know about me? Then again, what the hell do I know about me? Sigh...

Parental influence is such a tricky mother fucker. You let it do its thing for a while, and then you wise up a bit and spend the rest of your life trying beat it back out of yourself. And as soon as you think you've finally killed the bastard, smothered it in your own independence and self-awareness, it rears its ugly head again. You catch yourself saying something that makes you sound just like your mother, or making that obnoxious face that your father always made, or choosing the career that they'd always envisioned for you... Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Anyway. Anyway. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. What else is new? I do realize that this has been the most self-absorbed entry ever, and I apologize for that. I just had to get that off my chest. Then again, I guess my entries are usually pretty self-absorbed because I'm pretty self-absorbed, but whatever. My point is that if you read through all of that shit, I know you must really love me. Or you just have a lot of time on your hands. hehe. Happy Friday!

Quote of the day:
"If you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you're missing all the rest"- Dave Matthew Band

Love this

A Four-fold Franciscan Blessing

May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart. Amen

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people. Amen

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy. Amen

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done. Amen

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator, Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Savior, and the Holy Spirit our Advocate and Guide, be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore. Amen

Given by +Gene Robinson at All Saints Pasadena 7/15/07

Los Angelenos crack me up

My monthly retention meeting for working clients last night was canceled. After all of the planning and mailings and phone calls, Daniel decided to pull the plug on the whole thing. Why? Because it was raining. Or more precisely, drizzling. The meeting wasn't outdoors. The streets weren't flooding. It probably wasn't even raining hard enough to require the use of windshield wipers, but apparently it was bad enough to scare most Angelenos indoors for the rest of the night. Not that I'm complaining. I definitely appreciated the excuse to not stay at work till 8:30, but seriously, what the hell? Oh LA...

North Carolina last week was fabulous. Duke was... Duke. It really felt like I had never left. I did a horrible job of letting people know that I was coming, but apparently word travels fast. After randomly running into 2 people on campus Wednesday morning, I had about 15 angry phone calls and texts that night asking me where the hell I was and why I didn't tell anyone I was visiting. Whoops. I ended up getting to see a whole lot of people, though, and the entire trip was like a flashback to senior year fabulousness. Carrie and I even got to go to Big Beers on Thursday night, where I got plastered and ended up wanting to die on the drive to Greensboro the next morning, but that's a different story entirely.

Even the retreat was a lot of fun. The actual programming was complete bullshit, but after last year's interns' descriptions of the freaks in the other programs, I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun it was to hang out with the other interns. It was really refreshing to be around so many new people and to hear about their stories and experiences doing pretty much the same stuff we're doing. There were definitely some... interesting... people in the mix, but I really enjoyed every single person that I met.

That being said, seeing all of the other houses solidified the fact I am very happy to be in LA with the roommates that I have. There were amazing people in all of the houses, but it really seemed like ours had the best dynamic as a whole. We were the only house that hasn't had anyone leave, doesn't have a couple dating within the house (bad, bad, bad idea), isn't in fucking Omaha, and genuinely enjoys being in each other's presence (most of the time, anyway). Basically, EUIP is the shit. But we already knew that.

Work this week has been pretty awful. It's a slow week in terms of clients, but I've had piles and piles of paperwork and filing that have kept me in the office for at least 11 hours every single day. ugggggh. I also had to take an hour-long enneagram test for some sort of team building deal that we're doing at a staff meeting next week. I came out as a 6, or a "loyalist". I normally think these personality tests are far too general and subjective to carry any sort of significance in real life, but I read through the description of a 6, and it's me to a fucking tee. Even explains my habit of deciding that people hate me. Creepy...

Alright, that's all I got for now. The roommates are heading out dumpster diving (yes, my roommates like to eat out of trashcans. don't ask; I don't get it, either), and I'm off to In N' Out. Paz y amor.

Quote of the Day:
"Rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. Rule 2: Don't be an asshole." -Anne Lamott

Alissa

One of Brian’s clients was murdered last night.  Her name was Alissa.  She'd been living on the street for 5 years.   Last week, she finally decided to accept some help to leave Hollywood and get clean. When she shared her plans with her 28-year-old boyfriend, he stabbed her 6 times and threw her in a dumpster. She was 15.

Sometimes I don’t understand the world.

If you're ever in the 213, holla at a playa

I've decided that I hate the phrase "take care". I don't know why, but it always strikes me as really cold when someone says it to me. Not that I'm in a position to accuse anyone of being cold as I'm just about the most unaffectionate person in the world, but the expression just bothers me. It just seems kind of fake-- like the sort of thing you say to someone when you want to be polite, but you don't actually give two shits whether they take care of themselves or not because you probably wouldn't notice if they dropped off the face of the earth entirely.  Does that make sense? Yeah, probably not.

Work is slow today. I do have all sorts of boring paperwork stuff that I could be doing right now, but I don't feel like it. I have to interview someone for Daniel's position this afternoon. It strikes me as kind of odd that I'm interviewing someone who's applying to be my boss. Also that they want a clueless 23-year-old intern to conduct an interview. I've never even done a real interview as an interviewee before. But I don't think my opinion will actually carry any weight in the hiring decision, so I figure I'll just go in and have a conversation with the dude for like 15 minutes and that'll be that. Should be interesting.

One of my new clients told me in his assessment this morning that he and his family were evicted from his last apartment because it was infested with demons. Also that the psychiatrist that prescribed him meds just doesn't understand his "demonic problems" because she's not religious. So of course he doesn't take the meds because he doesn't need them. okaaay... He should be an interesting one, too.

Alrighty, off to explain to my client why he got fired from his temp position with us and why he might want to refrain from calling his boss a "stupid, fatass racist" for changing his hours in the future. Take care!

Life is good

I lead a charmed existence. Really and truly. I've wasted a lot of time on this stupid blog whining about stress, confusion, Altagracia Perez, and the 405 freeway, but I have to admit that when it comes down to it, life as an EUI is pretty fucking fantastic. I have a great job, I'm surrounded by amazing people, I'm learning lots, and for someone who worries so much, I really have very little to worry about. I don't even have to pay bills. What the hell am I so stressed about all the time? ...just thought I'd write that down in this little moment of clarity so I'll be reminded next time I freak out about nothing...

This weekend was amazing. Thursday morning I was too tired to go to work, so I called in sick and spent the day at the beach. Normally I'd be feeling ridiculously guilty about this, but the fact that 3 of my roommates also took "mental health days" last week makes feel slightly better about being a worthless slacker. Thursday evening we had our "Monday night" community meal, postponed a couple days because Erin had been out of town. We ended up spending over three hours sitting around the table, just eating, talking, and enjoying life.

I think community meals might be my favorite part of EUIP. Whenever Alta presses us for details about our community's shared spiritual development, we always tell her with a bit of a snicker that Monday nights are our "holiest" times together. But I really think it's true.

Granted, we usually polish off at least 3 bottles of wine during dinner, and the conversation typically revolves around poop, sex, Heroes, or some combination of the 3, but there's just something about the power of a shared meal that makes Mondays special. No matter how many terrible things we see during our workweeks or how many times our jobs make us want to rip our hair out over all the things in the world we just can't fix, on Monday nights, there's hope.   Maybe love and support and understanding really can overpower all the shittiness that's out there.  Or maybe we're just a bunch of alchies trying to drink away our problems..

Either way, it's really hard to describe what it is that makes Monday nights what they are.  If I wasn't so sure I'd just sound really cheesy and annoying, I might try a little bit harder.  But whatever the reason, it seems like Monday nights are when we best embody the "intentional community" the program envisions.

Friday I got off work at noon and met everyone in Santa Monica for happy hour. Slept till noon on Saturday, then went on a 4 hour hike in Topanga Canyon with Sara, Anna, and Anna's friends from Georgia. Topanga Canyon baffles my mind. It's so bare and empty that, just looking at the scenery, you would think you were miles and miles away from any form of civilization. But no. You're less than 5 miles west of LA. I fucking love that. Sunday was devoted to the LSAT (uggh), and Monday Brian, Erin, Sara and I rode our bikes from Santa Monica to Malibu. It was good times. And that was the weekend.

Work has been pretty good, too. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a good number of active clients right now-- not so many that I'm overwhelmed with work but enough that I'm not sitting in my office all day with nothing to do but drive myself crazy. Also, my new boss is freakin amazing. His name is Sam, and he lets me do whatever I want. It's such a relief to work for someone who allows me do my job without interrogating me about my every move. He even let me take over his office all day the other day while my computer was freaking out AND he brought me a Diet Dr. Pepper one morning when I was super busy and tired. I'm a fan.

Butterfly Ball, Chysalis' huge annual fundraising event, is this Saturday. I get to volunteer. hehe. The guest list is unreal. Jennifer Hudson and Alicia Keyes are confirmed to make performances, and Salma Hayek, Tom Cruise, Mariah Carey, Darren Star, Nick Cage, Chris Gardener, Anthony Hopkins, Chris Kattan, Ludacris and Edward Norton are also scheduled to appear. Yep, and I'm gonna be there. I might be handing out towels in the bathroom or something, but I'll be there.

Also just confirmed that I get to go to Chapel Hill for Sarah Rock's wedding in 3 weeks. Also just realized that the LSAT will be over and done in less than 2 weeks. Life is good :).

Quote of the day:

"Me want cookie" - The Cookie Monster