What am I getting myself into now?

I'm starting to reevaluate this whole law school thing. The more I think about it, the more it seems like I'm putting myself through all of this LSAT shizzle because law school just seems like the easiest answer to the oh-so-persistent question of what the hell I'm doing with my life. Thinking about law school gives my future a little bit of structure. I like structure. I like the fact that a *plan* for my next four years could be materializing. I like having a plan. What I don't like is the nagging suspicion that I am formulating this plan solely for the sake of having one.

Law school does seem to make sense in some ways. My absolute favorite part of my job this year is working directly with the clients- listening to their goals and their problems, working collaboratively with them to find solutions, giving them information and advice on how put those solutions into action- basically just being a counselor. That's one thing that has really surprised me about this year. I never thought that I would enjoy having to be a "people person", but I do, and I'm good at it.

At the same time, though, I am still me, and the introverted nerd in me also needs some time to shut the clients out of my office and do my own thing. I do my best thinking by myself, and I need some alone time every day research and write and prepare things for the clients without feeling like they're breathing down my neck. However, if I have too much of this alone time, I become extremely bored and cranky, and I lose sight of my motivation for doing the work in the first place, the clients. I think that as a lawyer, I might be able to find a good balance between working for and with people every day but also having some time to be a bookish nerd and analyze things on my own when I need to. And hopefully my enginerd's brain will be a little more adept at applying logic to solve legal problems than it is at applying my (non-existent) knowledge of the working world to help my clients impress people and get hired.

As an added bonus, the law school track definitely appeases the parents, who have been envisioning me as a lawyer since abooout 4 years before I was born. As hard as my father has been trying to act like a neutral bystander in my career development lately, I can tell that he is beside himself with the prospect of me finally giving in and going to law school. And as awful as it sounds to say, I think that's a big part of why I'm so stuck on questioning my own motives right now. Am I just doing this because I know it's what my parents want? That's certainly Altagracia's take on it, but what the hell does Alta know about me? Then again, what the hell do I know about me? Sigh...

Parental influence is such a tricky mother fucker. You let it do its thing for a while, and then you wise up a bit and spend the rest of your life trying beat it back out of yourself. And as soon as you think you've finally killed the bastard, smothered it in your own independence and self-awareness, it rears its ugly head again. You catch yourself saying something that makes you sound just like your mother, or making that obnoxious face that your father always made, or choosing the career that they'd always envisioned for you... Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Anyway. Anyway. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. What else is new? I do realize that this has been the most self-absorbed entry ever, and I apologize for that. I just had to get that off my chest. Then again, I guess my entries are usually pretty self-absorbed because I'm pretty self-absorbed, but whatever. My point is that if you read through all of that shit, I know you must really love me. Or you just have a lot of time on your hands. hehe. Happy Friday!

Quote of the day:
"If you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you're missing all the rest"- Dave Matthew Band